Like many people, my early understanding of circumcision was limited and sugar-coated. I knew only that “some skin” is “taken off” the penis to make it “better.” I was always aware on some level that it had been done to me, and, as far as I knew, to all of my family and friends.

Every reproductive system diagram I had ever seen in a health textbook or encyclopedia was also the same. My 1988 World Book Encyclopedia wan't very informative. The foreskin was not in the diagram, and the text was brief: "Circumcision is the surgical removal of the skin that covers the tip of the penis. An uncircumcised penis has a loose fold of skin called the foreskin or prepuce that covers the glans (tip of the penis). A circumciser removes the foreskin by cutting around the penis where the foreskin is attached."

Looking back, I can’t believe how naïve and complacent I was about this. Even as a youth, I was called “Mr. Scientific” because of my tendency to be analytical and technical about everything. Except this. This was about sex, so don’t question it.
 

Prepuce? What's that?

The first occasion to investigate came during my senior year of high school in a human anatomy course. The textbook was quite old, and thus the diagrams it had of the male reproductive system included a part I had never seen before: the prepuce. I found this extremely confusing, and pondered it for weeks.

The drawing made the prepuce seem to be just an additional (fourth) layer of the dermis of the glans. If that’s the case, how is it removed? Is it shaved off like how you use a carrot peeler? Or is it pulled and sliced like how you trim the fat from a roast? How do they know where to begin and stop cutting?... Is this why the surface of the glans is such a different color than the rest of the penis, because it’s really the “inside” of the dermis between layers?... What if this layer doesn't get removed, how does the person even urinate?... Then the questions got even more personal and consequential. If I’ve been circumcised, does that have anything to do with the dark ring around my penis? Does it have anything to do with that weird skin attachment on my penis that seemingly no one else has?

All of these thoughts were distressing, but being a very shy kid, I never actually verbalized the questions. Back then, the Internet was still young, without much significant content, very slow, and essentially useless for figuring this out. Through persistent and secret research, I was able to figure out roughly what the natural penis is supposed to look like, that the foreskin is just “extra” skin that allows all of the penile skin to move as a rolling sheath. It is easy enough to urinate with a foreskin, but it would just “get in the way” and therefore use/ cleaning of the penis is “easier” without it. (I later learned these are just myths.) I figured out that the dark circle around my penis is indeed a scar, and the odd skin attachment I had is a complication that sometimes occurs, known as a skin bridge. (I later learned how intense and horrible some skin bridges can be; comparatively, I was lucky.)

Life got busy with ending high school, attending graduation parties, summer vacation, and beginning college. Over the next few years, I occasionally found time for more research into circumcision. I discovered the concept of foreskin restoration, and began to wonder if I could do it myself. After examining various methods, progress journals, and testimonies, I began my own restoration trials using band-aids and x-taping. Within only a few days of having my glans always covered, there was enough boost in daily comfort (protection from underwear abrasion) and in pleasure sensations to solidify my desire to proceed. Within a few weeks, it was apparent that new skin was starting to form. I realized that I needed to deal with the skin bridge before continuing further, so my efforts would produce an even and balanced "fauxskin."

Although virtually none of my pre-med college courses mentioned circumcision directly, Developmental Biology, Physiology, Human Sexuality, and Medical Ethics each provided a few small but eventually revealing insights, including: The male and female reproductive systems have parts that are analogous to each other, having been formed from the same embryonic tissues. Different types of nerves respond to different stimuli, and will also have different thresholds of stimulation to evoke a response. The nervous system can "block" stimuli that are too frequent, such as the weight of clothing, and stimuli that are too intense can trigger major reactions including sending the body into shock (basically shutting down all but life-essential processes). Besides the obvious genital-area responses to sexual arousal, there are also subtle responses and reactions in many other parts of the body. Certain standards exist for obtaining informed consent, true consent does not come from coercion or when information is withheld, and proxy consent is only acceptable under certain conditions.
 

The Impact Of An Innocent Newborn's Cry

During the summer between my Junior and Senior years of college, I visited a very close friend and his newborn in a hospital. The boy was crying a lot, and the dad explained that he was still in pain from having been circumcised just a few hours before. Since I was already questioning the merits of the procedure, seeing the pain and distress of that boy was like a punch to the gut. It made me contemplate whether it was truly necessary, and worse, it made me feel guilty for having not shared my thoughts with my friend before he had his son cut. I began a bigger, deeper cycle of research into the topic, mostly late at night, the only time I really had to myself.

During one particularly intense research session, I found a video of a circumcision being performed. And another. And another. They were brutal. At first I was simply shocked, watching with a dropped jaw and wide, glazed eyes. All my previous research and schooling came to mind, and I finally saw the big picture. I realized that my friend's boy was certainly born with a completely healthy and normal penis, fully functioning and having absolutely nothing wrong with it. But within his first few days it was probed, ripped, crushed and sliced off just like what happened to the babies in these videos. He very likely reacted the exact same way to the procedure: screaming in sheer agony. No wonder he was still crying when I got there.

The next realization hit like a ton of bricks: this is also exactly what happened to my own body. Instantly, this went from a shocking but abstract thought, to a very personal, very deep devastation. Although the foreskin-covered penis seemed odd the first time I saw a picture of one, I was starting to understand that it is normal and healthy. It was now clear that I was born with my own healthy foreskin, but because of an extremely painful procedure, it is gone - forever - and I have an ugly scar in its place… It was now clear that the need to readjust my penis and/or underwear several times a day to relieve discomfort was precisely because the foreskin was no longer there to protect the glans from abrasion… It was now clear that the skin at the edges of this wound did not heal properly, and instead created the skin bridge that pulled my penis slightly to one side, sometimes painfully - just one of many possible complications... It was now clear that this process is indeed a mutilation of the healthy body of a helpless infant -- and it happened to me.

My body was limp, my stomach was in knots, and tears were rolling down my face. With a broken spirit, I went off to bed to cry myself to sleep.
 

Picking Up Pieces

After a few days of quiet self-reflection, I got the courage to begin researching again. I entered what has been termed the “obsessive epiphany," where I spent every available minute looking for more information. I learned that the standard practice at the time of my mutilation did not include anesthetics, so I would have felt every moment of the procedure, and would have been screaming in total anguish. I also learned that the subconscious mind retains traumatic experiences even from very early childhood, and that people genitally mutilated as infants tend to have a more acute pain response to other later procedures such as childhood vaccinations. Perhaps this is the reason I was always absolutely terrified of getting shots as a child. I also discovered that I wasn't the only one with these feelings, that there were actually several online forums dedicated to informing people about the damage from genital mutilation and the benefits of leaving children intact, supporting victims, and providing help with restoration ideas. I followed and interacted with some of those for a while.

By the time Senior Year of college started, I was already well-read regarding genital mutilation. But one course on my schedule was about to debunk another myth I still thought to be true. During "Understanding The New Testament," the professor spent two full class periods examining the Bible passages which declare circumcision not to be part of the Christian faith. He very passionately drove this point home. In all of my 12+ years of Catholic schooling, why was this never mentioned before? During the few hushed conversations that had happened previously, why did I get led to believe that it was part of our religious tradition?

A few months later, the skin bridge was cut, and my remaining foreskin was loose for the first time in nearly 22 years, since when I was only a few days old. After about 3 weeks of healing, I was finally able to continue the restoration project, trying several different methods and homemade devices, including a way to keep the remaining/ growing foreskin in place during resting periods. From the changes I was experiencing, even this early in the process, it was becoming undeniable that the foreskin is actually essential for daily comfort and for sex to be experienced as God had intended it to be. However, no matter how much glans coverage and gliding action a restored foreskin provides, the specialized mini-structures and nerve endings will never return. As good as it can get, it will never be as good as the original. Once that sank in, the depression and rage about it having been forcibly removed started growing to new levels. Something needed to be done about that – namely the dreaded conversation with my parents. Dreaded, because for many intactivists, this doesn’t go well at all. Too often, parents deny responsibility and withhold compassion, and the needed healing never happens. I have a strong relationship with my parents, especially with mom, and I cherish that. This discussion would need to wait until I could time and guide it with precision, and not damage our close relationships. In the mean time, I went full-bore into foreskin restoration.
 

Emotional And Physical Recovery, Intactivism

I eventually made that conversation happen with my mother. I told her how I disliked being circumcised, that it is a mutilation, and presented all the research I had done to that point. I also explained that I was restoring my foreskin. In the end she understood, was sorry to have been so misinformed as to let it happen to me, and her main concern going forward was my safety while restoring (not cutting off blood supply). What an emotional relief! Soon after, a conversation with Dad resulted in a similar conclusion. Neither could remember whether they actually signed a consent form, but even if they did, they were never presented with the facts I was giving them. Like most parents even today, they gave UNinformed consent, if any at all. Gradually I told more family and friends about the issue. Some paid attention, some were apprehensive, and some totally ignored the information. A few others made disparaging comments about me behind my back. (I hope they've learned and accepted it since then -- intactivism is here to stay.) In the years since then, I have been growing my knowledge base, informing more people as opportunities come about, and looking for a way that my shy, introverted personality could reach a wider audience -- looking for my own way to follow in the footsteps of the pioneers of the movement.

Life became too busy for restoration to be a continuous project, but I returned to it occasionally. I eventually purchased one of the available devices created specifically for this purpose. I say without hesitation, foreskin restoration is among the best things a guy can do for himself. It returns of some of the daily comfort, function and sensations that were stolen from him. I highly recommend restoration to all genitally mutilated guys, of any age, as long as they have the determination for a continuous multi-year effort and the fortitude to handle the emotional roller coaster that comes with it.

I mentioned earlier about visiting my friend’s newborn son in the hospital just hours after his mutilation. When the boy was about 12 years old, I learned from my friend that he needed an operation (perhaps two) to correct a problem with “his pee hole being too small.” I knew instantly, but didn’t relay to my friend until a later conversation, that this is called meatal stenosis and is one of many complications that can happen. In fact, it occurs almost exclusively on genitally mutilated boys, and results from a build-up of scar tissue from either the direct trauma of the procedure itself or post-operative infections. I vowed to myself right then, that I would not again withhold this information from any of my friends. No longer would any children in my life be mutilated because I was too afraid to stand up for their bodily integrity.

Everyone assumes that complications are "rare," but in fact they are actually quite common. A huge part of the disconnect is that any time men start discussing their very real sexual problems, they are belittled, told to quit whining, and to just get over it. (I've been subjected to that emotional abuse as well.) The more openly and frequently I discuss how male circumcision is indeed a genital mutilation, the more people are comfortable revealing their own complication experiences to me. One person disclosed that he was left with too little skin and erections are so tight as to be painful for him. A friend's baby had bleeding that was difficult to stop. Another has a deformity because the cut was made unevenly. Another has issues with occasional numbness. The stenosis on that boy mentioned above. My own skin bridge. A few have admitted that their sensitivity and/or ability to stay erect has been declining over the years, and thus hindering their "satisfaction" and ability to "complete." (In most other countries, genital mutilation is not embedded into their culture, and erectile dysfunction is NOT a problem to the extent that it is here in the United States.) Several people have said that even though they don't have any real "problems," they would rather have their whole intact penis. This is just a sampling of the issues that have been acknowledged directly to me; imagine how many more are suffering alone in silence, too embarrassed or afraid of being ridiculed.

Also of note, out of the men who have confided in me during these discussions that they themselves are intact, all of them are eternally grateful for it, dispelling the myth that boys left intact will grow up to resent their parents.

I have seen and heard so many parents comment, "If someone had only told us this sooner, we would never have had him/ them circumcised. But no one told us." I have had several tell me that no one else has ever presented to them the information that I have been. This is a conversation that needs to happen. It will not be repressed any longer.
 

Activism Beyond Family And Friends

In early 2017, I inherited administrative responsibilities of the local Greater Cincinnati Intactivists Facebook Page. I immediately began developing this companion website as my personal way to continue the work of intactivist Jonathon Conte. Although he was based in San Francisco, he worked tirelessly at a national level, and was a source of hope and inspiration for many in the movement. Unfortunately the physical and emotional fallout from his own forced genital mutilation was more than he could bear. His untimely death left a hole in many of our hearts. The initial composition of this site was officially published on May 9, 2017, the one-year anniversary of Jonathon's death.

The “Procedure” page is by far the most visited, and it is hit every day. This “Local Voices” blog section is open for other people in our area to share their own experiences. The first submission came from Austin C., a young man who lives only about 30 minutes from me. "Austin's Story" is about his complication and resentment from being mutilated. His bravery and openness here has inspired other affected men to share their own stories on other platforms.

I am proud to watch the ripple effect of this website, as it receives visitors from not only the local Cincinnati Metro, but also from across the nation and around the world.
 

Personal Successes, Moving Forward

Through my personal one-on-one activism, I have learned that most people are open to this information. Many will listen with an attentive ear and are eager to learn more. Occasionally there have been subtle hints that my efforts have saved a child from the mutilation, or in the case of older adults that they have changed their minds and now agree it is wrong. My first direct confirmation of having saved a baby eventually did come, through an out-of-the-blue “thank you” message from a friend a few months after his son was born.

In this movement, the effort is exhausting, but greater is the joy of knowing the impact I am having, saving other children - and the men they will become - from the experiences, pain and suffering I and others have endured. Even if acknowledgements come few and far between, as long as I have a voice to speak or fingers to type, I will continue this work.

- Josh S., Burlington, Kentucky
September, 2018